Plastic Mayhem

Dear God,
Is there any correlation with how many of these mass-produced plastic reminders are displayed in my lawn and how many times I'll be bitch-slapped at the pearly gates? Does my desire to go on a vigilante reconnaissance mission through my town, capturing these figurines and accumulating them in sacrificial burn pile, come from you or the spirits below? Can't imagine it's very flattering for you to have these misinterpretations mass-manufactured and distributed at the lowest obtainable price.
Until further notice, repositioning the sheep as sexually explicit as possible will satisfy,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Christian Pregnancy Center

Dear God,
Really?
Not in control,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Picture Yourself with Jesus

Dear God,
How do you feel about this? Apparently someone has taken it upon themselves to run an entire portrait studio based on the simple premise of having your child's portrait taken with an artificial Jesus. Flattery? Mockery? Shrubbery of Mt. Sinai beginning to scorch? Would love to hear from you before attempting to convince my sister this is the only solution for high school senior portraits.
Dreaming of sitting in fake Jesus' lap,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Season of Giving

Dear God,
Is there a special museum of wonder-gift artifacts like this that we all get to visit daily in the afterlife? Sure hope so. In the meantime my atheist friends won't know what hit them this Holiday season when I repackage this stick of evangelism with a Burt's Beeswax wrapper.
Delighted,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Apology to Religious Dancers

Dear God,
My sincere apologies to your disco apostles. When earlier a photo of a photoshopped Dance Dance Revolution was used in a post as "Dance Dance Resurrection" a unique following of your ways was lightly poked fun of by negligence. After perusing amazon.com this Holiday season, "Dance Praise," the true way to disco worship you (and apparently burn calories) was revealed.
Deepest apologies,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Full Armor of God

Dear God,
Is it completely off-base to assume this was not your intended interpretation for the book of Ephesians? (Referenced from the packaging) "Play and learn about God's Protection for Spiritual Battle" seems, at least to me, like ages 3 and up will be missing out on an important spiritual metaphor as they stunt their development early by slaying household problems and siblings. Better grab your shield when you get home from work, Mom! Your son is learning about God's protection!
Wishing you revealed this marvel prior to Halloween this year,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Fuel Efficiency

Dear God,
Very glad you've finally overseen the development of fuel efficiency standards in the near future. If, as projected, in the year 2020 all cars in production are able to get 35 mpg, we should be in good shape, right? Or is it possible that in the next 13 years at the current exponential rate of technological advancement we'll have overcome our fuel dependency for the most part as well as our affinity for petty legislative moral boosts?
Still burning up as much gas as anyone else,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Evel Knievel

Dear God,
Pretty sure this is spoken for most of the population down here, when I say we're really looking forward to being re-united with stuntman/daredevil Evel Knievel. Breaking 40 bones in his lifetime of commercial body tests, Evel Knievel was an inspiration to us all on how to be resourceful with your given skill-set. Wondering how the conversation went when he showed up at the gates yesterday? Can imagine the gates-folk only heard soft laughter above them as Knieval jumped into the kingdom from a ramp strategically placed 300 ft away at the bottom of a hill.
Feeling daring,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

American Economy

Dear God,
How disappointed are you in some of the recent mishaps of American Capitalism? Triggered by slight economic decline and stretched credit situations, it just doesn't seem like we can fire enough CEOs and economic officials to get back on track to the Golden Age. While it's gratefully recognized that free will is a pertinent element in the recipe for planet Earth, sometimes, rather often, I'd imagine you laugh at how timeless our motivators are.
With discerned laughter,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Gap Child Labor

Dear God,
Gap's Project (red) is under the cross-hairs again. It appears that remedying HIV in Africa with child labor in India is not a good business plan. Who knew? On the topic, Gap spokesman Bill Chandler explained "we're willing to end relationships with vendors when they don't meet our standards." Hopefully the children in India working 16 hour days in the "derelict industrial unit" at least know they were helping to fight HIV in Africa by allowing Gap consumers worldwide to spend double the usual amount of money on the same Gap products we all buy, while Gap graciously donates half of the doubled price to the HIV cause in Africa. Maybe project (blue) will be released in 2010 in India in order to solve child labor problems, and the HIV rescued African victims can make the shirts to sell to the world populous and really give back to India for their hard work?
Wearing my belt extra tight to not show off my Gap boxer briefs,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Salvation Army

Dear God,
What is your affiliation with this "Salvation Army?" Sometimes it feels they are advancing a bit too much with the perpetuated obscenities of capitalist America. Their slogan, "doing the most good" leaves me apprehensive about dropping cash into their carol surrounded capsules. "Doing the most good" sounds like something an Enron board of directors member would say to a judge in a tense situation, or something George Bush would say when requesting more war funding. For an organization tied to Christianity, the importance placed on good may be a bit much. It's understood that nobody's perfect, but striving for perfection in a humble way is usually more effective than proclaiming "most good," right? It's always easier to be passively critical about these things, but some clarification on why they are at least ringing bells before Thanksgiving would be well-received.
Dolla dolla bill,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Essentials

Dear God :
Thank you for air, blankets, and dreams.
Content,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Outer Space Jesus

Dear God,
Wretched metaphor or hilarious irony? Both?
Laughing with you,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Video Chat

Dear God,
This is a delayed expression of gratitude for giving the human populous video chat. I know I was looking for more distractions than existed a few years prior?
Yikes,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Inflatable Jesus

Dear God,
How soon will this be struck by lightning? Good idea?
Dumbfounded,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Neanderthals

Dear God,
Just something to think about ... was the age of neanderthals comparatively more frustrating or less frustrating than watching how we use the planet nowadays?
In cahoots,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Preparation H

Dear God,
Thank you for free will and bad decisions.
Love,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Global Warming

Dear God,
I'll keep this short. Fact or fiction? People are getting civil war crazy down here.
Lover of nature's bounty,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Film Writers

Dear God,
Why are the Film Writers of America on strike? Were they even doing anything to begin with? I know that you know I know my advice is completely unnecessary, but wouldn't it be nice if daytime television became re-runs and people spent more time away from the tele-screens? Come on ... Spider Man 3? Maybe strike will give the writers time to come up with good ideas at least.
Inquisitively yours,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Goulet

Dear God,
It's assumed by now you've rightfully restored Robert Goulet to the peak of his career. What tasks do you have in store for Dr. Suave in the afterlife? Personal songbird? Missions in poverty? Soldier of cosmological justice? It shouldn't take much to sell, so please convince the folks on this planet to honor him with a special holiday.
Sincerely yours,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

South Africa

Dear God,
Are you sad that South Africa needs to advertise to the rest of the world that it is "alive with possibility?" Who, more specifically, are they even advertising that to? Mercenaries to kill referees during the 2010 World Cup?
Successfully confused,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Children of Hope, Love, and Sandwichzangen

Dear God,
It has recently come to my attention that i have been spending excessive amounts of time dancing... Is this a problem? Why do i like it so much? Can we have a dance party after the senior shows?
Love,

Andrew in Wisconsin, Age 22

Nascar

Dear God,
Does Nascar make you gloat about how the planet you've created is being used?
Love,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Yankee Candle Holidays

Dear God,
How do you feel about the new Yankee Candle flavor, Siberian Silver Fir? They say it's Siberian SIlver Fir oil imported from Siberia. If this is all true and part of your plan does that mean you support the WTO? Is this candle symbolic of world peace?
Love,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Spoon Collectors

Dear God,
How much of an impact would you say eclectic hobbies play in letting people in to your club? Say a spoon collector? Time well spent?

Facebook Gifts

Dear God,
Did 100,000 people actually pay $1 each to send each other a picture of a kitten on a social networking site? Is your finger on the trigger of apocalypse?
Love,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Malibu Flames

Dear God,
For which of the following reasons is California on fire?
A. It is the home of "The Spaceward Foundation," an organization which plans to fund the Space Elevator.
B. John Stossel is trying to disprove global warming.
C. California residents put up Halloween decorations too early this year.
Love,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

iPhone

Dear God,
Why do religious people consistently rip off good advertising and try to wrap its message around your intentions? Does that commercial degradation cause you to increase natural disasters?
Love,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Space Elevator

Dear God,
As you already know, scientists are attempting to build a $10 billion elevator to outer space. If we build a space elevator will you open the lake of fire?
Love,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

John Mayer

Dear God,
Why is John Mayer waiting on the world to change and also modeling for Gap commercials?
Love,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22