Plastic Mayhem

Dear God,
Is there any correlation with how many of these mass-produced plastic reminders are displayed in my lawn and how many times I'll be bitch-slapped at the pearly gates? Does my desire to go on a vigilante reconnaissance mission through my town, capturing these figurines and accumulating them in sacrificial burn pile, come from you or the spirits below? Can't imagine it's very flattering for you to have these misinterpretations mass-manufactured and distributed at the lowest obtainable price.
Until further notice, repositioning the sheep as sexually explicit as possible will satisfy,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Christian Pregnancy Center

Dear God,
Really?
Not in control,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Picture Yourself with Jesus

Dear God,
How do you feel about this? Apparently someone has taken it upon themselves to run an entire portrait studio based on the simple premise of having your child's portrait taken with an artificial Jesus. Flattery? Mockery? Shrubbery of Mt. Sinai beginning to scorch? Would love to hear from you before attempting to convince my sister this is the only solution for high school senior portraits.
Dreaming of sitting in fake Jesus' lap,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Season of Giving

Dear God,
Is there a special museum of wonder-gift artifacts like this that we all get to visit daily in the afterlife? Sure hope so. In the meantime my atheist friends won't know what hit them this Holiday season when I repackage this stick of evangelism with a Burt's Beeswax wrapper.
Delighted,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Apology to Religious Dancers

Dear God,
My sincere apologies to your disco apostles. When earlier a photo of a photoshopped Dance Dance Revolution was used in a post as "Dance Dance Resurrection" a unique following of your ways was lightly poked fun of by negligence. After perusing amazon.com this Holiday season, "Dance Praise," the true way to disco worship you (and apparently burn calories) was revealed.
Deepest apologies,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Full Armor of God

Dear God,
Is it completely off-base to assume this was not your intended interpretation for the book of Ephesians? (Referenced from the packaging) "Play and learn about God's Protection for Spiritual Battle" seems, at least to me, like ages 3 and up will be missing out on an important spiritual metaphor as they stunt their development early by slaying household problems and siblings. Better grab your shield when you get home from work, Mom! Your son is learning about God's protection!
Wishing you revealed this marvel prior to Halloween this year,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Fuel Efficiency

Dear God,
Very glad you've finally overseen the development of fuel efficiency standards in the near future. If, as projected, in the year 2020 all cars in production are able to get 35 mpg, we should be in good shape, right? Or is it possible that in the next 13 years at the current exponential rate of technological advancement we'll have overcome our fuel dependency for the most part as well as our affinity for petty legislative moral boosts?
Still burning up as much gas as anyone else,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Evel Knievel

Dear God,
Pretty sure this is spoken for most of the population down here, when I say we're really looking forward to being re-united with stuntman/daredevil Evel Knievel. Breaking 40 bones in his lifetime of commercial body tests, Evel Knievel was an inspiration to us all on how to be resourceful with your given skill-set. Wondering how the conversation went when he showed up at the gates yesterday? Can imagine the gates-folk only heard soft laughter above them as Knieval jumped into the kingdom from a ramp strategically placed 300 ft away at the bottom of a hill.
Feeling daring,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22