Swine Flu

Dear God,
Is swine flu a repercussion of partying too much on spring break? Really perplexed. Have you found a carrier to get it back to the US yet? Was swine flu on the Arc with Noah, or did you craft it in your secret Jesus science lab deep in the fiery core of the earth? Did you invent swine flu to be the downfall of Twitter? 140 characters seems just enough for the average post modern intellectual to string together a witty jab and flood the internet with bad puns.

Hiding in the safe room,

Kyle in Illinois, Age 23

Fat Free Eucharists

Dear God,
Thank you for keeping up with the times and blessing our world with a revised version of your original eucharists. Can't emphasize how much of a sacrifice it was to woof down the prior version, .05g of fat and all. Will there be future advancements in the Christian diet? Could you create a 30 day meal plan one could order by mail via a series of compelling television ads?

.01g healthier,

Kyle in Illinois, Age 23

International Congress of Churches & Ministers

Dear God,
Is this really how intense you are?
Intense Intro Video to Website That Will Melt Your Soul

Honestly, had no idea. Lightning, twirling battle batons, columns, scepters!? Am I inquiring of spiritual engagement or trying to get to level 3 in spiritual pinball? Oh so intense. After watching this nearly 15 times my and wiping the blood from my eyes I'm thoroughly frightened of the International Congress of Churches & Ministers. Somehow the thought of so many followers aligned behind an epic movie thriller marketing plot really doesn't hold up that well.

Dreaming of lightning and James Earl Jones,

Kyle in Illinois, Age 23

Auto Industry Bailout

Dear God,
Is the government really going to save the auto industry? Is capitalism really panning out as we planned? Does this mean GM will stop supporting the Pontiac Aztek?

This is all both perplexing and irritating. Have auto industry CEOs evolved above commonfolk to a higher standard of pampered living? Will public transportation in the US ramp up and save the economy? What are we going to do with all of these people who are only able to assemble the Pontiac Aztek as their life skills?

Driving a Ford,

Kyle in Illinois, Age 23

Obamarama

Dear God,
What's the story on this? You've created an incessant buzz about change and the structuring of social classes, but is anything actually going to happen? Maybe we could stimulate the economy by upping the production of Obama labeled goods. He could even start a superstore similar to Wal-Mart and create jobs for millions of working class americans.

The real question here: did you make Obama supporters extra annoying or is my personality resistant to something good? Somehow Obama has become the Flaming Lips of politics. Annoying as hell because everyone else likes him now and won't shut up about it. Wisecrack after wisecrack the democrats have really gotten me on my toes to see what they're going to do in the spotlight. Direly curious to see what this "change" actually is, besides a surefire red-carpet to the Whitehouse.

Not getting my Obama tattoo yet,

Kyle in Illinois, Age 23

Floods

Dear God,

What's with all the flooding? Understandably it's that time of year when weather patterns shift, however tarnishing our manmade water diversion systems wasn't in the forecast. You're really messing some things up for people down here. Did you consider that when you let water flood over a major interstate highway in Wisconsin?

Was this a reaction to the state of the world? Did you cover that road to tell us to stop burning up so much gas? Maybe you should flood some power plants too if that's the case.

Either way - thanks for giving the human race the knowledge to create boats and flood insurance. We'll take it from here.

Perplexed,

Kyle in Illinois, Age 22

WNBA

Dear God,
Do you watch the WNBA? Bet it's a good test of your omniscient skill-set.

Indefinitely behind on WNBA statistics,

Kyle in Illinois, Age 22

Economic Stimulus

Dear God,
Can you still take the Bible Belt seriously? Sometimes 'impressive' is an understatement of what people are capable of in large like-minded groups. SafeHarbor real estate and development has set its sights on fabricating a "Bible-story theme park" in Rutherford county, Tennessee. Good idea to sensationalize Biblical history for primarily capitalistic intentions, right?

What's ever more insane about this proposition is how not cool they want to make it. 280 acre Story Park that will house recreations of important places and events in religious history for those un-willing to make the trek? Give me a break.
Was hoping for wordage such as 'Holy Water Coaster - Baptism after 450 ft vertical drop. Must be at least 4ft tall to ride. Rider will get wet." 1.5 million projected visitors per year sounds like biased focus groups.

Using my unlimited ride wristband on Spiritual Warfare Bumper Cars,

Kyle in Illinois, Age 22

Burberry Epidemic

Dear God.
Why are consumers still obsessed with the Burberry trademarked 'haymarket check' pattern? Are they aware that it's not a British produced product of war-caliber technology these days? Back when it was actually lining the raincoats of soldiers and the financially elite, Burberry held a strong market differentiator of waterproof breathable garments. Nowadays Burberry is manufactured in China, (where I'm sure they're monitoring their carbon credits, child labor hours, and above all mass production quality) yet somehow the folks at Burberry have still done a good job keeping mouths closed in their quest for a global monopoly of the neck-space of every slate gray wearing middle-class workaholic. Why is this the most popular scarf on the planet? Is this qualm resentful?

The big question is why have the folks at Burberry at least made a valid effort at disguising their short-fallings and not climbed aboard the project (RED) campaign? Who forgot to invite this $500-per-sweater-powerhouse to the feel-good party?

Secretly hoping for the everymans Burberry scarf genocide 2008,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Fundamentalist Adventures

Dear God,
How do you feel about A.J. Jacobs and his literal quest to make plight of fundamentalism? Has this form of religious irony secured Jacobs a fast lane in the lake of fire? Isn't it great that we still embrace jesus as a caucasian coffee-drinker? Why do agnostics write books I actually want to read?

Not throwing Jacobs a kickboard just yet,

Kyle in Illinois, Age 22

Dirty America

Dear God,
Why didn't Pope Benedict XVI kiss the ground like the previous Pope when he landed in the US? Was it because he was greeted by president Bush? Did he smell the catholic souls-in-purgatory fertilizer used on the lawn? Why does the pope get a bullet-proof Mercedes? Do you wish that the popes Mercedes had gold-colored 20 inch wheels too?

Hoping the Pope refers to recent sex scandals in the catholic church as 'water under the bridge,'

Kyle in Illinois, Age 22

Important Decision

Dear God,
Wow. Someone took the time to actually have this photo shoot. How does this happen? "Lets simulate how it would go down if Jesus came back and campaigned in the upcoming election?" This bridging of religion and branding makes my stomach turn. On the up-side it's comforting to know stereotypical Jesus drinks coffee or tea and keeps his composure when you present crappy ideas. Hopefully color options for that cross concept include rainbow stripes. Gag me.

Basking in stereotypes,

Kyle in Illinois, Age 22

American Idol Soul

Dear God,
Will you be repealing your endorsement of the "Chicken Soup" series anytime soon? Did they slide "Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul" into publication under your omniscient radar? Please do clarify.

Deepest concerns,

Kyle in Illinois, Age 22

Airline Safety

Dear God,
Thank you for finally convincing the department of homeland security to begin equipping commercial airliners with anti-missile systems. My last flight was extremely unnerving because I couldn't stop thinking about missile attacks. Also I'm glad you got the department of homeland security a good deal, $29 million. What a steal! While it's good that our skies will be safe, was there a problem to begin with? Won't all missile firing entities now direct missiles at buildings instead of airplanes?
Buying up shares in the anti-missile industry,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

GodTube

Dear God,
Sometimes it feels like the Internet is steepening the slope into the lake of fire. However, some seem to be resisting that thought and adapting each latest Internet wonder to a tool of spirituality. Do you appreciate GodTube as much as it appreciates you?
Suspending my membership to GodTube until further signal,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Plastic Mayhem

Dear God,
Is there any correlation with how many of these mass-produced plastic reminders are displayed in my lawn and how many times I'll be bitch-slapped at the pearly gates? Does my desire to go on a vigilante reconnaissance mission through my town, capturing these figurines and accumulating them in sacrificial burn pile, come from you or the spirits below? Can't imagine it's very flattering for you to have these misinterpretations mass-manufactured and distributed at the lowest obtainable price.
Until further notice, repositioning the sheep as sexually explicit as possible will satisfy,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Christian Pregnancy Center

Dear God,
Really?
Not in control,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Picture Yourself with Jesus

Dear God,
How do you feel about this? Apparently someone has taken it upon themselves to run an entire portrait studio based on the simple premise of having your child's portrait taken with an artificial Jesus. Flattery? Mockery? Shrubbery of Mt. Sinai beginning to scorch? Would love to hear from you before attempting to convince my sister this is the only solution for high school senior portraits.
Dreaming of sitting in fake Jesus' lap,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Season of Giving

Dear God,
Is there a special museum of wonder-gift artifacts like this that we all get to visit daily in the afterlife? Sure hope so. In the meantime my atheist friends won't know what hit them this Holiday season when I repackage this stick of evangelism with a Burt's Beeswax wrapper.
Delighted,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22

Apology to Religious Dancers

Dear God,
My sincere apologies to your disco apostles. When earlier a photo of a photoshopped Dance Dance Revolution was used in a post as "Dance Dance Resurrection" a unique following of your ways was lightly poked fun of by negligence. After perusing amazon.com this Holiday season, "Dance Praise," the true way to disco worship you (and apparently burn calories) was revealed.
Deepest apologies,

Kyle in Wisconsin, Age 22